


Family Night

by SageOfMudora



Series: The Monotreme Memoirs [5]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Flynn-Fletcher Family (mentioned), M/M, Monty Monogram (mentioned), Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-04
Updated: 2012-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-09 04:54:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/451517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SageOfMudora/pseuds/SageOfMudora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One evening at the DEI Building, Perry gets a sample of what he’s always craved at home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Change of Plans

So far, it had been a normal November day for Perry the Platypus. Wake up at 5:15, watch as the boys and Candace eat breakfast and get ready for school, see the kids off from behind a frosty window pane, lounge in his pet bed until Linda and Lawrence were gone, and watch soaps until the inevitable call came from Major Monogram. He was used to the routine. During the summer he cherished his few free moments alone in the house, but in the winter solitude was chill and grey and depressing. Perry was thankful for the opportunity to get out of the house and thwart his nemesis.

Today was going to be even lonelier than usual. Phineas and Ferb were going on an overnight class field trip, and Linda and Lawrence wouldn’t return from that antiques auction until 10 or 11 at night. He wouldn’t even have Candace for company; she had elected to spend the night at Stacey’s rather than be alone in the house.

For this reason, Perry hadn’t been upset at all when the call to go and stop the evil scientist had come later than usual, a mere half hour before school let out. He hoped Heinz had come up with a decent plan today. Perry shivered as he hit the acceleration of his vehicle -the OWCA really needed to invest money in the “roofs and heaters” department- excitement for the upcoming battle overcoming his depression about that night.

Finally! He felt a euphoric sensation as he jumped from his vehicle onto the open patio of the DEI Building, but he kept his expression stoic. Perry noticed that the patio door was unlocked. He opened the door and hurried inside to find-

Ropes sprang up from an unknown location, lifting Perry by his torso so that he was hanging upside down in the middle of the room. Perry focused on remaining still so that his hat wouldn’t fall from his head; he only resorted to that cheap trick if he was truly stumped or if there was a dire emergency. It wasn’t fair to Heinz to abuse his naivety like that.

“Ah, Perry the Platypus! Right on schedule! And by “right on schedule” I mean “much too early!” The scientist almost looked sheepish. “Or maybe I mean ‘much too late.’ I’m not really sure. You see, Perry the Platypus, I was planning on -wait, why is your face all scrunched up like that?” Heinz moved closer until he was almost nose-to-beak with the monotreme. Perry chattered, and his hat slipped from his head.

“Oh, your little fedora was loose!” Heinz bent to retrieve the item and Perry nodded gratefully. Apparently the scientist could recognize him if he actually witnessed the hat’s removal. Who knew? “Here, I’ll just put this on more snug…” Heinz mumbled as he put one hand on either side of Perry’s face and firmly yet gently replaced the fedora. “There you go!”

Before Perry could move or Heinz had a chance to remove his hands, they heard the front door slam. Still nose-to-beak with human hands cupping platypus cheeks, Vanessa entered the room and stopped short. She was clearly holding back a laugh, and Perry’s face became hot when he realized just how close Heinz actually was to him. “Krkrkrkrkrkr” he chattered angrily, and Heinz finally came out of his trance.

“Oh, hi Vanessa! How was school?”

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Vanessa grinned.

“Of course not, sweetie. I was just about to explain the change of plans to Perry the Platypus.”

“I see. Well, I’ll go put my bag away and let you two…finish up.” Vanessa snorted again as she turned and left the room.

Heinz turned to face Perry again, his body language indicating that he hadn’t even picked up on Vanessa’s joke. “You are probably wondering why my daughter is here on a school night. Well, let me back up to where we were a moment ago and explain. You see, I had an evil scheme for today! It was truly diabolical. But now it will have to wait. You see, Charlene and her new fiance are going out of town tonight and there have been some burglaries in their neighborhood recently, so Charlene decided that Vanessa should stay with me tonight.”

At this, Heinz began to tear up. “Oh Perry the Platypus, I’m so happy and so sad right now. Two emotions in an eternal struggle to- oh, I’m probably confusing you.” Heinz paused to wipe his eyes on his sleeve. “You see, Charlene and I got divorced when Vanessa was six. Right before my little baby girl started first grade. As you know, I have custody every other weekend. So, in all these years, I’ve never had an opportunity to be a parent on a school night.”

“She’s a junior in high school, Perry the Platypus! And tonight will be my first real foray into being a parent on a school night. I’m so excited and nervous! I want to do a good job! I want to be responsible and firm to make sure she succeeds, but I also want her to have fun! It’s a… it’s a juggling act. And I can’t draw any experience from my own parents because, as you can imagine, they were absolutely horrible!”

At this, Heinz pulled a remote out of his lab coat and pressed a button. Perry fell on the carpet. “You see, that’s why I said you were early. I hadn’t had time to turn the trap off because I was too busy reprogramming my -Inator.”

Vanessa reentered the room and glanced down at the platypus. “Is Perry staying for dinner?” she asked kindly.

“I don’t know; I haven’t asked him. Would you like that, sweetie?”

“Sure. I don’t care, as long as you two don’t fight or anything.”

Vanessa left the room again, and Heinz looked down at Perry. “So, Perry the Platypus, would you like to stay? You can help make sure I don’t do anything stupid! I’m so new at this! I’ll mess up!” Perry looked unsure. “Look, all we have to do is eat dinner (which I’ll cook, by the way, so no worries!), make sure she does her homework, find some family event that she won’t think is lame, and make sure she gets to bed at a decent time. You don’t have to stick around for that last part.”

Perry thought about his empty house. He thought of all the nights when he had so desperately wanted to help his kids with their homework, or join them in a game, or sit at the table with the family and smile at the stories told during dinner. 

Oh, what the hell. Heinz probably needed all the help he could get. Perry nodded and smiled.


	2. Something's Cooking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry the Platypus, lonely and wishing he could bond with the Flynn-Fletcher children on a more meaningful level, has agreed to help his nemesis be a responsible "school night" father. How hard can it be?

"Oh, goody! I am so excited!" Heinz bounced on the balls of his feet, causing his hips to sway back and forth. Perry rolled his eyes, though secretly he was a bit excited too. Perry had spent five years watching Linda and Lawrence be (somewhat) responsible parents and smother his children with love while he was forced to sit on the sideline, a pet and secret guardian always watching over the house. Yes, he had interacted with them that one day in an Alternate Dimension, but that had been dangerous and terrifying and... forgotten. It didn't really _count_.

 

Vanessa may not be _his_ child in the manner of the Flynn-Fletcher siblings, but she was _Heinz's_ child. That made her special, too. Perry had done a lot to help the remarkable young lady in recent months, so he didn't mind staying around to help Heinz at all. Even if the night turned into a disaster it was better than a cold, empty house.

 

"Well, are you coming?" Perry was startled to see that the scientist had crossed the room and was standing by the kitchen door. Perry chattered in response and followed the man inside.

 

Vanessa was sitting at the table in the corner, rapidly typing on her laptop. She didn't acknowledge their entrance. "What would you like for dinner, honey?" Heinz asked. When there was no response he asked again, this time more loudly.

 

The teen pulled her ear buds away from her face and asked, "Did you say something, Dad?"

 

"I just wanted to know what you wanted for dinner."

 

"Oh, I don't care. Anything. Whatever." Vanessa replaced the ear buds. Heinz looked like he was at a loss. Clearly he had been hoping for some direction. He began rummaging through a cabinet filled with pots and pans. Perry knew Heinz was a superb cook, so he wondered what was irritating the scientist. He wandered over to Heinz and chattered to get the man's attention.

 

"What should I make, Perry the Platypus? I want dinner to be memorable. One day Vanessa is going to look back on this as the one school night she spent with her father, and I don't want anything to be less than perfect. This is so tricky; different foods have different symbolic meanings, you know!"

 

No, Perry hadn't known that. He wondered if it was true, or if this was another of Heinz's peculiar notions. For a man of science, Heinz could be extremely superstitious.

 

"I thought about making meatloaf, but that recipe requires so much hate and loathing and I'm just... I'm just not sure I could get that worked up at the moment." Perry nodded. They didn't need that tonight. "Perhaps I should make a traditional winter dish. It is a cold day. Everyone could use a hot, hearty meal. What do you think, Perry the Platypus?"

 

Perry nodded again. He was no foodie; he really only ever ate people food when he was with Heinz. Those were memorable occasions- the times when his nemesis would have food already prepared for other events and willingly share, or when they would indulge in a break for tea and pastries, or when Heinz would invite him to a restaurant- and while Perry cherished those memories, they didn't really qualify him to give an opinion on the merits of different dishes.

 

It didn't matter. Heinz was now digging through the cabinet for a specific pot, obviously struck by a certain bit of inspiration that he didn't share with the monotreme. When Heinz stood and began looking through the refrigerator, Perry began to feel out of place. He didn't want to bud in, but he didn't want to spend the evening standing in the kitchen getting in the cook's way, either.

 

"Vanessa!" the scientist called out suddenly. No response. Heinz repeated the girl's name several more times before she removed the ear buds again.

 

"Yeah, Dad?" she asked dryly.

 

"I wondered what you were doing. Are you working on your homework?"

 

"No, I'm on a _Nuerotoxins_ forum. I always save my homework for after dinner."

 

Heinz's face fell, and Perry knew he was conflicted. On the one hand, he didn't want to disturb Vanessa's routine and potentially irritate her. On the other hand, he didn't want her to goof around the entire time he was busy and then work on homework during precious family bonding time. He gulped when he came to a decision.

 

"Sweetie, don't you think it would be better if you got your homework done before dinner? Once it is out of the way, you can spend the rest of the night having fun without worrying about it."

 

Vanessa rolled her eyes. "It isn't a big deal, Dad. Besides, it's mostly tests and quizzes tomorrow anyway. I can just skim through my notes between class periods or something if you want to do something later. But right now I'm-"

 

"No." Heinz interrupted sternly. Both Perry and Vanessa blinked at him in surprise. "No, my baby girl will not put off studying for important, potentially life-altering tests just to chat on some forum or hang out with me. Not on my watch. You are going to study for your tests tomorrow until supper is ready, and that is final."

 

Vanessa looked stunned. Perry expected her to talk back but, after a moment, she took a deep breath and said, "Alright _fine_."

 

"Good." the smile returned to Heinz's face, and the man started chopping vegetables. "Oh, and you should let Perry the Platypus help you. I can talk a little, but I'm busy."

 

"Dad, I'm sure Perry has much _better_ things to do than tutor me." Vanessa huffed. Perry chattered in disagreement.

 

"See, he wants to help. Perry the Platypus is really smart. He knows what he's doing."

 

Vanessa groaned as she pulled a chair over to her side of the table for Perry to sit in. She gave Perry a "sorry my Dad is making you do this" look, and Perry waved it off dismissively. Finally, he was going to be involved! Finally an opportunity to help!


	3. Academic Adversity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After agreeing to help his nemesis impress Vanessa during their very first “school night,” a lonely Perry the Platypus is excited to finally get involved. But what with dinner cooking and homework struggles, the conversation might get a little too personal for the monotreme’s taste.

“Krkrkrkrkr.” Perry chattered again, trying to look stern even though he found the situation amusing. Vanessa was so easily distracted. Every three minutes she wanted to “take a short breather” and check her fansite or look at her blog. Perry was reminded of Phineas- both children were smart, but also easily bored by the tedious grind of academia. Perry wondered how often Vanessa blew off her coursework to pursue more enjoyable activities.

 

“Alright, fine. It can wait a few more minutes,” Vanessa huffed. She reached in a bag and pulled out several heavy books. “Alright Perry, since you are so _insistent_ , I’ll explain what I need to do. I have two tests and a quiz tomorrow. I guess I should probably study for the test in Biology and the quiz in German.”

 

“Ooh, you’re taking German?!” Heinz interrupted from behind the counter, his deft hands chopping and dicing so quickly it looked like a blur. Perry thought the man could have a lucrative career as a professional chef if only he could resist the urge to return to evil science after every petty slight. 

 

“Yeah, we have to take a foreign language. It’s a requirement. I figured German would be an easy A, since I already know a bit from you.”

 

Heinz looked like he was about to start blathering about his pride in Vanessa for recognizing the merits of his native tongue, so Perry chattered to cut him off. “Oh, that’s right. You are busy studying. I’ll… I’ll just let you be.”

 

“So what should we tackle first, German or Biology?” Vanessa asked, but Perry was concentrating on something Vanessa had said earlier. If she had _two_ tests and a quiz tomorrow, then why was she only bringing up these subjects? Perry pointed to her bag with a curious expression.

 

“What? Oh, you want to know about the other subject?” Perry nodded. “Look, we shouldn’t turn everything into a struggle. Let’s get this stuff over with and, if there is time, we’ll talk about the other test.

 

Perry nodded again. That sounded like a fair compromise. The two of them decided to work on German vocabulary first. Perry held up the flash cards that Vanessa had made in class and smiled enthusiastically whenever the young woman was correct. Heinz interrupted on occasion to correct Vanessa whenever the teen mispronounced a word. Fifteen minutes later Heinz was stirring something on the stove top and Perry was confident that Vanessa had the vocabulary down permanently.  So far, so good!

 

Now for biology. This proved more difficult; Perry couldn’t read the questions on the study guide out loud and Heinz wasn’t near enough to get more involved. In the end they found several solutions. Vanessa went through the study guide verbally, explaining in detail the human skeletal system while Perry nodded to encourage her to elaborate. Then, while Vanessa read to herself, Perry wrote a mock test with small essay prompts. Vanessa spent a good twenty minutes writing out her responses.

 

Just as Vanessa was finishing her last paragraph, Heinz called over to them. “Dinner should be ready in ten minutes!”

 

“Good! I’m all done here. Now if Perry is _satisfied_ , I want to get back on that _Nuerotoxins_ forum.”

 

“Krkrkrkrkrkr” Perry pointed at Vanessa’s bag again.

 

“Ugh Perry, it’s fine! I don’t need to study for that one.”

 

The monotreme was having none of this nonsense; he wanted an explanation at least. He chattered and shook his head. The teen groaned and covered her face with her hands.

 

“Perry, you’re worse than Dad! Mom doesn’t boss me around like this! I’ve already studied harder than I have studied for anything in my life, other than my driving test!”

 

This sudden outburst startled Perry. He wasn’t _‘bossing her around’_ at all! He was just making sure she succeeded! Maybe he had been a bit forceful or overenthusiastic, but after five years of sitting there and watching his own kids do their homework without him, he didn’t feel he had done anything _wrong_.

 

Wait, was Perry justifying his current actions on past experiences? Oh no, maybe Heinz was beginning to rub off on him…

 

“Vanessa, don’t be hard on Perry the Platypus. He’s a Secret Agent, not a tutor. He’s probably never done anything like this before.” Ouch. That bit of truth hurt, but Perry appreciated the sentiment behind it. “So, what other class do you have a test in, honey?”

 

“Geography.” Vanessa groaned and rolled her eyes before continuing. “I don’t need to study in that class though. I’ve already lived it.”

 

Oh no. Perry hoped this conversation wasn’t heading in the direction he thought it was.

 

“What do you mean, you ‘ _lived it_ ’?” Heinz asked curiously as he placed a lid on a pot.

 

“That day when you ‘met me halfway’ in Paris I was traveling with Candace and Ferb and some of their friends. It was the summer equinox and they were going around the globe, following the Sun. I was with them most the time.”

 

“Ferb was the Pizzazium kid, right?”

 

“Uh huh!”

 

Wait… Heinz and Vanessa had had conversations about _his_ family?! This was worse than Perry had thought! The platypus knew that Candace and Vanessa had a reluctant yet budding relationship. Their moms were friends and they had a class together. Even though they had different tastes they still managed to get along. But he trusted that Candace wouldn’t bring the “meatbrick” up in conversation and that Vanessa would be too embarrassed to mention that her dad had an animal nemesis. He hadn’t worried about their connection too much.

 

The situation with Ferb was trickier. Phineas was either a very slow developer or a budding asexual, but Ferb _liked_ girls. He was also a bit mature for his age. Perry could remember the first time he had found magazines with “well written articles” tucked under Ferb’s bed. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz was, by far, Ferb’s biggest crush. The young man had it _bad_. Perry knew from terrifying experience that it was a bad idea to hop into Ferb’s bed on the nights after he had an encounter with the young lady.

 

Perry knew that Ferb was a boy of few words who was unlikely to bring the family pet into a conversation. However, the more time Vanessa spent with Ferb, the more time she was likely to spend with Phineas. Eager, enthusiastic chatterbox Phineas, who was _extremely_ likely to bring up the family pet. Perry didn’t want to destroy friendships, but he also didn’t want a casual slip up to cost him his family and his nemesis. Vanessa wasn’t her father. She would make the obvious connection.

 

Also, Perry didn’t like the idea of Heinz chatting about _his_ kids. He trusted Heinz would never deliberately target children, especially his daughter’s friends, but it was the principle of the matter. Never the two worlds shall meet. Perry wondered if there was anything he could do to make the situation safer.

 

Perry was slowly pulled out of his thoughts and back into the conversation that Heinz and Vanessa were having.

 

“I’ve been to Rome, and Cairo, and all these places! I think I can find it on a map!”

 

Time to end this conversation. Perry chattered loudly. When Vanessa looked at him, he smiled and pointed to her laptop where the _Nuerotoxins_ forum was still open.

 

Vanessa grinned. She seemed pleased, as though she had gained a new level of trust. “Thanks Perry!” she reached for the computer, eager to spend the last few moments before dinner chatting with fellow fans from across the globe. All thoughts of Phineas, Ferb, and Candace were gone from her mind.


	4. Playing House

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner is almost ready, and a lonely Perry the Platypus is about to sit down and enjoy a meal with the Doofenshmirtz family. However, his mission to help Heinz create a “perfect school night” for Vanessa is more challenging than it sounds, and somebody may have bitten off more than they can chew.

With Heinz humming cheerily at the stove and Vanessa completely engrossed in her online forum with ear buds at max volume, Perry was alone with his thoughts once again. So far the afternoon had been… nice. Yes, nice. That was how Heinz would have worded it. There was fun to be found in helping Vanessa study and staying for dinner, as well as a sense of inclusion and purpose.

Perry wondered how closely the OWCA was monitoring the events in the DEI building this evening. He wasn’t worried; Perry knew he was doing nothing _wrong_. There were no regulations in the OWCA handbook that said he _couldn’t_ stay for dinner once in a while, or help Heinz out of the occasional jam. But still, Perry knew that no one at the Agency quite understood his unusual relationship with his nemesis.

Every OWCA Agent had a personal file that listed their strengths and weaknesses. Though it was technically against regulation, Perry had once found an opportunity to take a peek inside his own personal file. It contained many typed documents and a few photos, with the occasional hand written note or addition printed in Major Monogram or Carl’s handwriting.

Most of the comments had been positive, things like “Agent P excels at adapting to his surroundings” and “Agent P is very creative with his lair entrances.” There were a few negative remarks, including “Agent P has almost been seen by his host family on several occasions,” “Agent P is stubborn and sometimes refuses to salute back” and even “Agent P is now applying for vacation time on a weekly basis.”

One remark in particular had startled the monotreme. Handwritten on a sticky note by the redheaded intern responsible for monitoring the security tapes was an unexpected message:

_“Proclivity for Fraternization with the Enemy.”_

It was true and, in hindsight, Perry knew he _shouldn’t_ have been startled by the observation. A few other Agents had decent relationships with their nemesis-es, but nothing as complex as what Perry shared with Heinz. Perry wondered if Carl was watching at the moment and what Carl might be thinking. He would probably never say anything about it to Perry’s face, but that didn’t mean the unpaid intern wouldn’t add “playing house” to the list of weaknesses or have a laugh with the Major.

**-Thump-  -Thump-  -Thump-**

Perry was pulled away from his thoughts by the sudden arrival of a fourth individual.

“ALL DONE DUSTING THE LAB!”

“Wow. Took you a while. Alright Norm, you’re just in time. Could you clear the table so we can eat?”

“SURE THING, DAD!”

The giant robot man made his way to the table as Heinz loudly denied his paternity. Perry decided that this was a good opportunity to see if his nemesis needed any help. He hopped down from his chair just as Norm arrived at the edge of the table. The robot reached out a stiff arm and said, “LET ME GET RID OF THESE THINGS!” before swiping at the assorted piles of textbooks and notes stacked on the surface.

“Krkrkrkrkrkrkr!”

“Norm! Not my laptop!”

Books and papers now lay haphazardly in the corner, a few loose sheets now torn from Vanessa’s binder still floating in the air. Vanessa stood against the wall, laptop clutched to her chest defensively, one ear bud dangling near her shoulder. Perry’s hat had been knocked away and the heavy Biology book had taken its place. Perry removed the book and chattered again.

“You piece of junk! That isn’t what I meant at all! You help Vanessa pick those up! _Nicely_ this time!” Heinz waved a wooden spoon for added emphasis. The teen dashed off to store her precious computer in a safer location, and Perry found his hat and returned it to its rightful place. Perry quickly grabbed the loose leaflets and shuffled them to give them some semblance of order while Norm picked the books up from the floor. By the time a thoroughly irritated Vanessa returned the mess was almost completely cleaned.

“I’M SORRY ABOUT THE MESS, SIS!” Vanessa ignored him.

Norm took his seat at the back of the table after being assured several times that there was nothing more he could do to help. Perry and Vanessa set four places at the table and poured three glasses of milk. When they were confident that the only thing missing from the table was the food, they both made their way into the corner of the room where food was prepared.

Both stopped in their tracks, mouths agape as they took in the sight before them. Pots, pans, trays, baskets and casserole dishes lined the counter. The two might have been busy studying, but Perry still didn’t know how they failed to notice that the chef was preparing a feast. The Flynn-Fletchers didn’t prepare this much at Thanksgiving!

Well, if anyone could go overboard and defy the cooking laws of physics, it was Heinz. Or Phineas and Ferb, but they had more sense than to do so.

Perry and Vanessa placed their hands on their hips, but Heinz beamed at them. “Behold! A perfect feast of German cuisine!”

“Dad…”

“You see, I was already preparing to make pan roasted potatoes (or _Bratkartoffeln_ ) when you said you were taking German in school! So I thought to myself, ‘Heinz, why don’t you make your baby girl some other authentic foods, and teach her what to call them!’ But then I couldn’t decide what to make, so I made a variety!”

Perry and Vanessa blinked, so Heinz continued.

“These are _Maultaschen_ , or stuffed noodles! And this is _Spargel_ , or steamed asparagus! Oh, oh! This is _Sauerbraten_ , or a sour roast made with beef! And we have several pork dishes, and a vegetable stew! And for dessert I made doonkleberry cobbler and apple strudel and black forest cake (or _Schwarzwälder Kirschtorte_ )!

Two wide-eyed stares were the only response, and Heinz’s face began to fall. Finally his daughter spoke.

“Umm, Dad? Isn’t this a bit much? You’re going to be eating leftovers for three weeks!”

“Well, maybe. But this is a special occasion!”

“Yeah? And what’s so special about it?”

“Well, you’re here, and-“

“I’m here all the time! I was here the weekend before last, and I’ll be back this Friday! Me being here doesn’t make it a special occasion! Why are you making such a big deal and going through all this trouble?”

“…It’s a school night. You’ve never been here on a _school night_. I was telling Perry the Platypus-“

“Oh, so that’s it!” Vanessa huffed. “ _Perry_ comes over for dinner and then everything has to be _impressive_ and _special_!”

The teen seemed to have grasped at the wrong straw and come to a false conclusion.

“Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkr”

“Vanessa, sweetie, I’m not sure I know why you’re so upset…”

“Because I’m more than just an excuse to _play house_!” Vanessa nearly cried. She turned and ran for her bedroom.

Perry and Heinz stood together in an awkward silence for a few long minutes. The monotreme had just decided it would be best if he left when Heinz began to cry. Perry moved to pat the man’s leg in consolation.

“I don’t know how I messed up this time! I don’t know how she could be angry with me! What did I do?!?! _Shiesse_ , why am I such a _dummkopf_?!?!”

Oh no, he was starting to speak in his native tongue.

“What should I do, Perry the Platypus? I try so hard and I don’t get anywhere! She was happy earlier. And this time I don’t even know why she’s upset. It doesn’t make sense, and she didn’t tell me!”

Perry nodded sympathetically and continued to pat Heinz’s shin.

“I’d go talk to her, but our Daddy-Daughter conversations rarely end well. If only- hey!” The scientist’s face lit up again, “Why don’t you go talk to her? She might tell you why she’s upset! Then you can fix it, or come tell me so _I_ can fix it, and then we can all sit down and eat dinner!”

Perry was unsure. He had been present for several Parent-Child conversations at home, but he had never been a part of one. His lack of speech could only complicate matters. What if he made the situation worse? Perry pointed to the door, silently asking Heinz if he should leave.

“Please don’t leave yet. I think you can do this! You can do anything! Please go talk with my daughter and see what is troubling her! Pleeease!”

Perry rolled his eyes and nodded his head before making his way for Vanessa’s room. This night was getting harder than Perry had anticipated.


	5. Heart-to-Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa is upset and Heinz Doofenshmirtz doesn't know what he could have done this time! It looks like it is up to Perry, the lonely monotreme who agreed to stay and help his nemesis create the "perfect school night," to talk to the teen and get to the bottom of this...

Perry the Platypus hesitated in front of the young woman's door. He had never done anything like this before. Sure, he had been present for several of Linda and Lawrence's parental talks; _sure,_ every member of the Flynn-Fletcher family had, at one point or another, dragged Perry off somewhere to cuddle and share secrets. But those were passive moments. As interested or worried as Perry may have been he felt as though, in those situations, he could easily be replaced by a reflection in a mirror or a _Ducky Momo_ plushie. Heinz may confide in him, but that was different. Those were fantastical stories of events long passed, and Perry usually at least pretended to be annoyed during them.

With a deep breath, Perry softly knocked on the door.

"I'm not ready to talk to you yet, Dad." She sounded sad, but she wasn't sobbing or yelling. That was a good sign, right? Perry chattered to reveal his identity.

"P... Perry?" Vanessa called softly. Perry heard some shuffling, and then a quiet "Come in."

The platypus had never seen her room before. The space was dark and punk, yet still feminine. Dark leather-bound books and peculiar antique dolls lined the shelves, skulls and other haunted imagery could be detected on several of the nick-knacks, and Perry thought he could even see a few steam-punk elements. However, the rug under his webbed feet was soft, and the duvet looked comfy, and the bed was topped in a lovely lace canopy. Somehow Vanessa had managed to make the eclectic style _work_.  

Vanessa sat cross legged on her bed, holding a pen in one hand and wiping at her eyes with the other. Perry could see the edge of a journal sticking out from under a lacy black pillow. The two looked at each other for a moment, both unsure of what was happening and where to start. Finally, Perry gave the girl a sympathetic look and tilted his head.

"Oh, yeah. I'll be fine." Vanessa lied. "You can go tell Dad I'll be out in a bit. Go... enjoy your dinner."

Perry shook his head and took a few steps toward the bed in the hope of encouraging the teen to communicate.

"It isn't a big deal, Perry. Besides, you wouldn't understand." When Perry refused to budge, Vanessa sighed. "Fine, if you want to talk _that_ badly. Why don't you hop on up here so you can make yourself comfortable while I _bare my soul_."

Ah, the Doofenshmirtz sarcasm. Perry knew she had more of her father in her than she cared to admit. Perry hopped up onto the bed anyway and situated himself across from the girl. When he was comfortable he looked at her expectantly.

Vanessa's phone vibrated in the corner. She ignored it.

"Really, Perry. I'll be fine. I just have a lot going on right now. Go join Dad. You don't need to waste your time dealing with me."

This was the umpteenth time Perry had heard Vanessa refer to helping her as a "waste of time." What had gotten into her?

"It's just..." Vanessa began suddenly." I... I just... it isn't any one thing. I have a lot going on. And Norm made me mad. And... and then Dad went overboard, and I took it out on him. You probably think I'm a real witch, getting mad when he's just... _trying_... to be nice."

Perry shook his head and reached out to pat her hand. She continued.

"Mom has been seeing Sam a lot ever since they got engaged. And I mean _a lot_. She's out four nights a week at least! She comes home real late, and she doesn't even bring me any leftovers from all these nice places she's been going! I have to make my own dinner and you know I'm a terrible cook!"

Her phone vibrated again. She ignored it and continued.

"And on the nights when they don't go out, Sam comes over! I get that they're in love, but _come on!_ And she makes the fanciest things for him. I mean, you can really tell she's been taking cooking lessons! And they hardly even acknowledge I'm there, Perry! I feel like a third wheel at my own house! I know Mom loves me, but I feel like I'm being pushed away. Like she's somehow telling Sam, 'Oh, this is my teenage daughter from my previous marriage with a crack pot. Don't worry about her, she'll graduate soon and leave the nest. Then we can start over!' I know its irrational to think that, but sometimes I do."

Perry wore a look of sympathy. He was beginning to see why she had blown up earlier.

"Perry, can I tell you a secret? Can you not get mad?"

The monotreme nodded. She could tell him anything.

"I like you. A lot. You've always been nice to me, even when I wasn't nice to you. You're always honest with me, and you've done a lot to help me out. You might be a Secret Agent animal, but you're also... kind of part of the family."

Vanessa's phone buzzed a third time. Again she ignored the device.

"And you're probably the best thing that has ever happened to my Dad. Don't try to deny it with some sort of 'No, of course not! You are!' nonsense, Perry! My Dad needs someone to ground him a bit. To make sure he doesn't actually hurt himself or others. To let him enjoy the thrill of being an evil inventor every day without having to face the real life consequences. You give him goals and dreams, give him something to look forward to every day. You are what keeps him from dying of loneliness: he _needs_ you."

" _I used to hate you for it_."

There was a long, silent pause.

"Earlier in the kitchen, I felt emotions that I haven't had since I was thirteen and you first became Dad's nemesis. I thought I was over all this stuff. I guess all this irritation with Mom must have brought it back for a moment."

"After the divorce, Dad was sad all the time. Always sad. And while I hated that he was so sad, it made me happy that I could cheer him up. Yeah, he could be overbearing and annoying, but he was _my Dad_ , and only I could make him happy. On his weekends with me he would shower me with his undivided attention. At the time I thought I hated it. But then you came along and everything changed again."

"Suddenly he was scheming on the weekend. Suddenly he was thinking about traps and -Inators and evil while he was spending time with me. His phone calls started with a 'Guess what Perry the Platypus did today!' and he started trying to convince me to become his evil apprentice so that I could join in on your fun. I wasn't the only important person in his life anymore and, because you had more opportunities to spend time with him, I felt that you meant more to him than me. I was jealous of you."

"Don't feel bad, Perry. I've been over it a long time, and it was stupid to remember it today."

Perry didn't know how to respond. He wished he had known this at the time so that he could have erased these doubts. Perry had never wanted to drive a wedge between the father and daughter. In fact, he wished they had more opportunities to spend time together.

Vanessa's phone vibrated again. It seemed the teen could put the unknown contact off no longer, for she angrily slid off the bed and headed for the charging station. "I'm sorry, Perry, but I should take this."

"Hello?-"

"Yes, but I'm at Dad's place. I can't-"

"No. Well, maybe still a bit mad. I know we were arguing, but that was uncalled for.-"

"You called him a 'Pig-bellied, chicken-legged freak! How was I supposed to take that?!?!-"

"Yeah, well... that insult was true!-"

"Alright, I guess tomorrow night will be fine. Beats cold cuts, anyway.-"

"Goodbye, Monty."

So Vanessa and Monty had had another quarrel. Perry wasn't surprised. The two had gone on a few dates here and there before deciding to become a couple, and now they tended to break up every couple weeks. They were the definition of "on again, off again."

Perry knew it was a difficult relationship for a variety of reasons. Obviously there was the element of secrecy. Both still refused to tell their fathers, and Vanessa even refused to tell her mother for fear that she would accidentally tell Heinz. There was also the age gap. Vanessa was 16 and a junior at Danville High. Monty was 19 and a freshman at AWCA, the Academy Without a Cool Acronym. Sometimes Monty would forget that Vanessa had less world experience than he did.

Vanessa had told her monotreme confidant on more than one occasion, "If I ever date a younger guy, I'll never make the same mistakes Monty does!" Perry always thought of Ferb, nodded, and smiled.

"That was Monty." Vanessa said unnecessarily as she returned to her spot on the bed. "I've been going out to dinner with him some nights when Mom is out. She doesn't know, but I doubt she'd care. As long as I'm back by 11:30 she'll never know."

This was a new development, and Perry didn't know that he approved. He wasn't a prude- he didn't care what Vanessa did with her boyfriends as long as it was safe, consensual, and discrete enough to go unnoticed by Heinz- but sneaking out of the house at night was an unsafe habit to fall into. Perry trusted Monty, but the notion of Vanessa sneaking about the city at night with neither parent aware of her location made him uneasy.

Vanessa and Monty may fight a lot, but the monotreme knew they were very fond of each other. They both had similar taste and a desire for action and excitement. Vanessa enjoyed being able to tell her high school friends she was seeing a grown-up college boy, and Monty liked telling his Academy friends that he was seeing a mad scientist's beautiful daughter. It was a win-win scenario when they weren't verbally ripping each other to shreds.

"On the subject of boys..." Vanessa began. For having not wanted to speak in the first place, the teen seemed glad to have an opportunity to get things off her chest. Perhaps Perry should try to have private chats with her more often.

"-ever since Johnny and I broke up my social life has been going haywire. We had a lot of the same friends, and now they've all taken sides. Sometimes I feel like Lacey is the only person who agrees with me! He was so immature, Perry, and he was always going places without even thinking to invite me. I'm not taking him back, no matter how many notes he sticks in my locker!"

There was another brief pause. Perry wondered if the girl was going to continue talking about boys or bring up a new topic.

"Perry... about what I told you earlier... you aren't mad at me, are you?" Perry smiled, shook his head no, and reached out to hold her hand.

"You know I _really_ don't still feel that way. You make Dad happy, and I shouldn't be so selfish of his time away from me. I don't know why seeing that feast he made for you triggered all the old feelings, maybe because Mom only really cooks when company is coming over so that I can become more _responsible_ or whatever, but seeing him do nice stuff to impress you shouldn't make me so- why are you shaking your head like that?"

The monotreme mimed cooking, pointed to himself, and shook his head again.

"What?"

Perry repeated the action.

"You mean it really was for me?"

Perry nodded solemnly.

"But that doesn't make any sense! Why is tonight so special?" The platypus waited for her to remember her father's words. "Wait, he said something about it being a school night but... oh. Oh. I've never stayed over on a week night, have I? I didn't even think of that. And now he's making a huge deal about everything because he thinks it is significant and..." Vanessa began to laugh, but stopped when a distinctly Doofenshmirtz cackle escaped her lips.

"Oh, this is too much! Of course, only _my Dad_ would turn this into a huge thing. Oh well, I guess we should get out there before Dad worries himself to death."

Before Perry could stand, Vanessa reached over and grabbed him, pulling him in for a tight hug. "Thank you for listening, Perry. I feel a lot better."

Perry chattered affectionately and hugged the girl back. Then she sat him on the floor and they made their way back to the kitchen. Heinz and Norm were arguing over the crunchiness of pan-roasted potatoes when they entered.

Heinz's face lit up when he saw that Vanessa looked happy. The father and daughter both shared hugs and apologies. When they were done, Vanessa took her seat and Heinz ran to grab a tray. The last of the food on the over crowded table, Heinz gave Perry a grateful look before yelling, "Dig in!"


	6. After Dinner Reservations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now that Vanessa is feeling better, the Doofenshmirtz family can finally sit down and enjoy a large meal together. There is food and fun to go around but, as the evening winds down, Perry the Platypus finds he has some tough choices to make.

The first few minutes at the table were almost overwhelming for Perry the Platypus. It was a noisy, chaotic clash of voices, dishes, and elbows as everyone reached over each other to scoop dishes onto plates. And not just their own plates; both Heinz _and_ Vanessa were scooping spoonfuls of various delectables onto the other's plate, as well as Perry's. Soon his large round china dish was filled with a sample of everything Heinz had made.

Perry weighed 6 pounds. This was more than average for a platypus, but most of the extra body mass was muscle. Aside from Heinz's irresistible cheese, Perry had never had so much food sat before him in his life. He wasn't sure his stomach was big enough to eat everything on the plate, but he resolved to do his best and at least make sure to take one bite of everything.

The noise died down once the plates were full and Perry, Heinz, Vanessa, and Norm's squirrel started eating. Perry was able to relax now. He tried the asparagus first and found that it was delicious. He forced himself to give another dish a taste as he listened to the conversation.

Dinner dialogue at the Doofenshmirtz table was loud, unpredictable, and prone to both long off topic rants and hasty interruptions. Norm's non sequiturs made it that much harder to keep track of the banter.

"There's an up-and-coming local group called _Splitting Headache_ that I really like right now. They're having an outdoor "Chilled to the Bone" concert in the old lot behind the cemetery this weekend and I was planning on going with Lacey."

"You know, my first crush was on an ocelot cub named Olivia. Unfortunately, she didn't feel the same way. She was nice about it, though; we were able to remain friends."

"My Geography teacher is the _worst_. His class is so dull. I wish he would just retire already. Everyone knows he hates his job."

"I THINK I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE SHRINK-INATOR!"

"Being a lawn gnome allows you to know all about your neighbors without them thinking you are nosy. So, that was a bonus."

"Last time you went to a costume party you dressed as Lady Gaga and embarrassed everyone!"

"I did get to do a little bit of evil today. Some time during the night I ripped the tag off my mattress in my sleep. And then this morning I purchased a word processor, and I uploaded it onto the computer in the lab _and_ the computer in the living room! Two computers! I'll upload it onto your laptop too, sweetie, if you think you would use it..."

"WOULD YOU LOVE ME IF I WASN'T SO TALL?"

The Doofenshmirtz family didn't hog the entire conversation. Both Heinz and Vanessa made a point to ask regularly if Perry needed any refills or if he was in agreement on a specific topic. When Heinz told stories of their battles he would often pause to see if Perry had anything to add, and he never complained when Perry interrupted with a chatter to correct a mistake the scientist had made in his retelling of events. Perry even answered a few friendly "yes or no" and "simple answer" questions.

"Do you understand German?" A nod yes.

"Do you remember your platypus family?" A nod no.

"Have you always been affiliated with the OWCA?" Another yes.

Perry used a combination of pointing at an egg dish and pointing at his hat to indicate that his egg had hatched in an OWCA incubator.

"Have you ever met another sentient platypus?" A reluctant no.

"Are you rooting for Alice and Jamison to get together on _Our World is Everything_?" An enthusiastic yes.

"How old were you when you met Dad?" Two fingers.

"Have you given any thought to what you'll do when you retire?" A shrug of the shoulders. Perry hoped that was a long way in the future.

Questions for him mingled with stories of Vanessa's childhood and Heinz's old schemes. They talked about their day, and jokes they had heard, and about new businesses in town. There was much laughter. Perry learned a lot about the dysfunctional family and, though he revealed nothing vital or Top Secret, they learned a lot about him, too.

When Heinz was full, he leaned back in his chair and massaged his stomach. "You know, this was nice." He sighed gently. "Sitting down with family and Norm and enjoying a big meal. This... this was very pleasant. We should do this more often."

Vanessa and Norm both agreed, but Perry could only fake a smile. He had enjoyed this. A lot. He would fondly remember this feast for as long as he lived. But Perry knew that there could be too much of a good thing. As wonderful as recreation with the Doofenshmirtz family had been, Perry had his own family at home who needed their beloved pet platypus. Also, Perry needed to maintain some level of professionalism. It was Perry's job to fight Heinz and make sure the eccentric man didn't do any damage in his quest to rule the Tri-State Area. While Perry felt he could allow the occasional excursion or fun day off, he knew he couldn't let moments like this become too frequent a habit.

The OWCA could take away Perry's family and nemesis at their own discretion, and Perry was already so emotionally attached to both sides of his life that he didn't know how he would cope with losing either one. They had done so once before, last summer before the day when Heinz invented his Other-Dimension-Inator. The monotreme felt that losing them again would be even more difficult. He couldn't put himself in a position where it became even harder.

Perry decided to let himself have this night before distancing himself again.

"We should do something fun before we eat dessert." Heinz was saying.

"Like what?"

"I don't knooow. Maybe play a game, or watch a movie?"

It was decided that Vanessa would choose potential games while Heinz looked for potential movies, and then the group would vote on what to do.

Perry noticed that Vanessa choose three games that required little-to-no talking, and the group decision granted _Skiddley Whiffers_ ____the victory.

Heinz had picked three potential movies. Perry immediately vetoed _The Amazing Misadventures of a Young British Wizard_. He hated how unrealistic the movie was. Not the magic or the fantastic creatures, no- Perry could suspend his disbelief. But Perry had seen first hand what happened when adults abused one child while pampering another, and a boy like _Larry Kotter_ it did not make. In the end, the old classic _Space Adventures_ won in the film category.

After some mild bickering, the foursome decided to run the movie softly in the background while they played the game.

"I'M THE JEEP!"

"The hair dryer is mine!"

"I'll be the nose, and Perry the Platypus picks the fedora! Remember, if Perry the Platypus wins (which is really likely since, you knooow, winning is kind of his _thiiing_ ) he doesn't actually have to say "Skiddley Whiffers". He can just ring the bell."

"Yeah, duh Dad. We're not platypus bigots."

"I MIGHT BE A PLATYPUS BIGOT!"

"Shut up, Norm!"

Contrary to Heinz's prediction, Perry didn't win. He spent most of the game in leg irons. He didn't mind; it gave him several "mini-thwarting" opportunities as he made sure that Heinz didn't cheat. In the end Norm (that lucky robot!) had rolled Double Kings and rung the victory bell after a mere 24 minutes.

Norm decided to quit while he was ahead and left to paint on his pajamas, leaving Perry, Heinz, and Vanessa alone to watch rest of the movie. Heinz and Vanessa each ate a piece of Doonkleberry pie, but the platypus was still full.

Perry liked the film. _Space Adventures_ was one of Phineas and Ferb's favorites and the monotreme knew all the dialogue by heart. He watched as the gallant heroes decoded the ancient runes, as they had their first encounter with the Big Bad's right hand woman, as the Princess escaped from her cell...

"Peeeryyyyy... Peeeryyy the Plaaatypuuuus..." a sing song voice was calling out to him. Perry opened his eyes. Apparently the movie was over. Vanessa was on her knees in front of the TV placing the disk back in its case and Heinz was-

The platypus realized that he had fallen asleep. Perry was leaning back against the couch, and sideways into Heinz. He immediately sat up, embarrassed. The scientist didn't seem to have minded.

"I should get to bed," Vanessa yawned. Perry looked at a clock and saw that it was 10:30. "Goodnight, you two. Have fun with the Traffic-Light-Change-Inator tomorrow."

"Vanessa! You've ruined the surprise!" Heinz scolded, but he didn't really sound angry. The teen smiled, waved, and headed to her room. Heinz looked down at the platypus.

"Don't think this gets you out of listening to my backstory tomorrow, Perry the Platypus. It is still relevant, even if you already know the name of the scheme." Perry nodded. He expected no less.

"Sooo, what are your plans? I didn't know you were going to stay this late. Are you leaving? If you want, you can stay in the guest room."

Perry shook his head no. There were some boundaries he never intended to break. Spending the night when there was no emergency was were he drew the line. Besides, Perry was likely to sleep walk into someone's bed in the early hours of the morning out of habit. That would be embarrassing no matter how it ended.

"Oh, you are going?" the man was clearly trying to hide his disappointment. "Well, be careful I guess. I expect you here tomorrow around 1:00. And after you thwart me, you should tell me about anything Vanessa told you that isn't confidential. I want to make sure I don't irritate her again."

Perry nodded. He would probably be up half the night deciding what he could say. The monotreme turned to leave.

"Wait!" Heinz called. "Its... its cold out! You should take this with you!" The scientist handed Perry the blanket that he had left when Heinz was sick. Perry took the warm fleece bundle and folded it into his hat. He planned on using it the moment he got in his hover car, but he didn't want to let Heinz see that the cold bothered him.

Perry hopped onto the floor and made his way for the patio. If he left now he would make it home before Linda and Lawrence returned from their antiques auction.

"Wait! Perry the Platypus!" Heinz ran out after him. Perry turned to stare at the man.

"Perry the Platypus, I just... I wanted to... it means..." the man sighed, then almost whispered, "Thank you, Perry the Platypus."

Perry smiled and nodded before climbing into the vehicle and flying away, leaving Heinz Doofenshmirtz alone with his thoughts on a cold November night.

**Author's Note:**

> Perry loves Phineas, Ferb, and Candace like they were his own children. Unfortunately, he can't usually interact with them in the most meaningful of ways. 
> 
> We know Heinz (and possibly Vanessa) consider Perry the Platypus to be a part of their family. I thought it would be nice to see them interact more.


End file.
